If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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