i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
