Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
