I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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