i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
