I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The best revenge is premature balding
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
