the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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