But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
