so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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