I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
