im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
