Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
