Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
