so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
