I just threw up on my dentist
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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