I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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