About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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