I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
