bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
