You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
