please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
