he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
