I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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