Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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