he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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