areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
