my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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