she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
