Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
