I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
