i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
