Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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