I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Boobs speak an international language.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
