You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
