Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
