Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You are a genius and a whore.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
