Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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