Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
