Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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