if i can run in heels then i can drive
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
