she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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