I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
