I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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