just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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