is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
