My liver just broke up with me...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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