Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
