I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
