Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
