moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
