Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
