Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how can u be prego again
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
